My Favourite Things: Masturbation

November 26, 2017

every night

Although technically masturbation isn’t a thing. Like all sex, it’s an activity. And I do have me some fun at the activity centre!

I love masturbation! I love it in concept. I head-over-heels, swoontastically love it in practice. I’ve got it BAD for my hands, yo. And my toys. And a few specific household items.
I’ve been wanking for a long time. So long I don’t remember a time when I didn’t masturbate. So when I tell you that masturbation is made of awesome, I’m speaking from lots of experience. Don’t believe me? Just consider the following benefits:

1. No one ever masturbates and thinks ‘Dang! That was the worst part of my day!‘

2. It’s 4:00 p.m. You’ve just come home from work. The kids will be home from soccer at any minute, you still have to make dinner and you’re horny as hell. Ping! Try masturbation – for a quick and healthy fix.

3. Masturbation is the thrill of exploration in the comfort of your own home.

4. Masturbation releases endorphins, which relax the muscles. Try it as part of your post-workout routine.

5. Masturbation releases endorphins, which provide pain relief. Try it the next time you have a headache.

6. Yearning for frisky times with someone who isn’t your long-term, monogamous partner? Don’t want to negotiate an open relationship? Infidelity not your style? Fondle your sexy parts and enjoy a hot, fantasy tryst, courtesy of masturbation!

7. How hard is it to convince you to have sex with you?

8. Granting your partner’s request to watch you masturbate triples your chances of getting applause.

9. It’s 1:00 a.m. You’re still tossing and turning and you’ve got that big presentation in the morning. Try masturbation: a safe, natural sedative!

10. Masturbating can reduce the risk of cervical infection and prostate cancer. Three cheers for healthy nethers!

11. Some flexible folk can masturbate orally! Even if you’re not one of the lucky few who can get your tongue to your promise land, you can see videos of it online. Trust me – that shit’s pretty cool.

In conclusion, masturbation rules. So when this work-a-day world has gotcha down, get a hold of yourself – literally and take a few moments for some self-stimulation!

Nadine Thornhill
Adorable Undies

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