Fuck Like We Did (A Poem For The Jaded)

December 31, 2017

I want to fuck
the way we did when we believed
we were invincible
when we thought ourselves unbreakable
when we knew nothing of hearts shattering
or bones fracturing under the weight of unrealized dreams

I want to promise the impossible/again

I want to unlearn this hesitation
that colours my steps/measured
slow/trudge that I am now
I want the urge
to move erratic/irrational
fall helplessly in lust with someone
who was promised to someone else

I want to know that we were meant for each other

without proof I want to know
we were divined
by God or fate or fortune
I want my actions
to belie the fact of these brutal years
that have shuttered me
passions held taut beneath this loose gut

I want my body back

the one that could wrap itself careless
round the idea of forever/without fear
I want to leap off some idiotic ledge/I want to
hedge less
I want to erase these lines drawn definitive
round the edges of what I can do
i want to ignore the blotted lines running decisive
through the list of things I decided not to do

I want to do everything
you ask
ask you anything/without knowing
how you will answer

I want to shake this inertia

move you to tears/with the things
I am too afraid to say to you
late at night/early morning sex

I want to fuck like we did
when we were doing it/for love
foolhardy/with hardly any fear of the future

I want to believe in love/like I did
before I had a kid/before we knew how to stop
before these impermeable cracks
hammered steel beams through the fragile flesh of my heart

before my art started making money
before balancing my emotional budget became a thing
I needed to do
before our wings broke
before the yoke of collected experience
dragged us away from our best selves

I want to do more than just fuck

I want more days of feeling/foolish
and full/and flustered/and flushed

I want more
of myself/more of you
more of us
wanting more out of today
and tomorrow
and all the days
we aren’t even sure will ever come

Staceyann Chin

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