Dear Crazy Jane,

I have a problem. Well, actually, I think it’s my husband with the problem, but since he’s adamant it’s me, we agreed to write our favourite columnist, you. We’ve agreed to abide by your determination.

Here goes…My husband thinks it’s weird that we only have sex once a year. I think after being married for as long as we have been (forever) that once a year is adequate. We have a good time when we do it. I mean, I’m not uptight or anything. I get into it. And then I’m good for another year. My husband, on the other hand, is getting tired of doing himself, he says. (I wish he wouldn’t tell me those things. Yuck.) Anyway, he whines and pouts and follows me around like a horny mutt. Honestly, he’s humped my leg! He thinks I’m being unreasonable. I’m at a loss here. What’s “normal”? I mean, I’m certain my parents never engaged in any sex whatsoever after the last child, I, was born, so I feel my husband should be grateful that we indulge as often as we do.

Please help settle this once and for all. We (me with utter calm, knowing you will side with sisterhood! and him, nervously toying with his bottom lip – so infantile – saliva – god I hope that’s saliva? – drooling down his fingers.) await your reply.

Sincerely,
Joy L. Essex

Dear Joy:

You’ve posed a not uncommon problem, as it were and as it is in many a marriage or common law alliance, alas. Tis a matter of libido drive incompatibilities. Your husband’s hard drive runs like a maniac in the fast lane, whilst your drive, such as it is, is perpetually stuck in traffic in the slow lane. Or if you will, your husband’s libido takes the high road while yours takes the low road and of course, you can’t possibly intersect under such circumstances. Or to state things another way, you may not have a driving license to begin with. That’s tough, but repairable, with effort and motivation, which you don’t seem to have. At this rate, your husband’s stress could induce a sudden heart attack. Not to mention the danger of stroke you confront. A life without sex leads to coagulated veins and death by stroke.

A famous love mediator whose name I’ve forgotten once said that in such circumstances it is best to make a potion out of Trojan horse radish, Siberian oysters, Tanzanian burdock root and Cretan honey and drink a gallon of the mixture four minutes before retiring. Sometimes it is said that will balance the extremes between the yin and yang after four months. On the other hand, it is rumoured that Socrates advised women with low libidos to divorce their husbands and seek the companionship of women, if you know what I mean. However, that option may not appeal to you, as you appear to be well … how can I put it delicately? Ah yes…cerebral is the word I was groping for.

Have you considered inviting an aardvark into your home, a common love object likely to bring you and your husband together? (Well, okay, I do realize the obvious drawbacks.) How about playing the overture to Tristan und Isolde as you’re retiring? Other known cures include a drastic change in diet (only red meat for you, and artichokes in vinegar for him), a honeymoon style voyage to Tuvalu in a tugboat, and the installation of a duck pond in your backyard, if you have one. There’s something about ducks, it has been said. On the other hand, you seem to have a revulsion for dogs. Aardvarks and ducks may not be appropriate.

Of course, the crotch of the matter could well be that your husband is ignorant of the role of the pituitary gland as a sexual stimulant. There are several manuals about somewhere. It’s alarming how many men – even when apprised of its special function – are totally incapable of locating the gland and even when they manage to find it, they don’t seem to know what to do with it. My Jack was like that at first blush, but I soon directed him to the right spot. This is definitely a subject that should be taught in primary school. But perhaps you are ignorant of the location of this gland as well. A survey by The Institute of Sexual Deviations recently determined that 89% of women in the Midwest can’t find it, while 99% of women who live in New York City have known about it since they could walk. Some women complain that the gland doesn’t stay put. That can also be aggravating to one’s partner.

While I sympathize with you, Joy, marriage and similar contractions are two-way streets. While normalcy is a myth, marriage without sex is like a bicycle without a fish. You must change your attitude and learn to view sexual frivolity as a welcome addition to your marital conjugations. While your husband should not be humping your legs, you should at least allow him free rein to hump himself while the two of you confront this major crisis in a mature fashion (one would hope). Believe me, your disgust at his efforts to satiate himself only serve to exacerbate the situation If all else fails, you should definitely consider counseling by a certified sex therapist. My cousin Alicia Dimpledorf may be able to save your marriage. Her website is dimplesexualsolutions.com.au.

Verily yours,

Jane

Crazy Jane (Carol Novack)
Crazy Jane’s Advice to the Lorn of Love