The Three Little Pigs

March 25, 2020

The little pig began to pray
But Wolfie blew his house away.
He shouted, “Bacon, Pork, and Ham!
Oh what a lucky wolf I am!”
And though he ate the pig quite fast,
He carefully kept the tail till last.

Roald Dahl
Revolting Rhymes

world came to an end

March 24, 2020

I guess I always felt even if the world came to an end, McDonald’s would still be open.

Susan Pfeffer
Life As We Knew It

FACT

March 15, 2020

lavish descriptions of food

February 15, 2020

As a pre-teen, I devoured fantasy book after fantasy book. One day, I was stopped short by a food description. In Diana Wynne Jones’s A Tale of Time City, the era-hopping protagonists eat a treat called butter-pie. It’s yellow ice cream on a stick, ice-cold on the outside and molten on the inside, and described as “buttery and creamy … with just a hint of toffee, and twenty other even better tastes.” Butter-pie has never existed, except in the pages of Jones’s book and in the imaginations of readers. But it sounded delicious.

In those days, the internet was fairly new, so I couldn’t dig up the dozens of recipes that fans of Jones’s work have developed. But even as I moved from children’s fantasy novels to those meant for adults, I noticed that authors consistently incorporated lavish descriptions of food. It piqued both my appetite and my interest: Why do fantasy writers write so much about food?

As I doggedly read through the fantasy canon, I realized that the marvellous butter-pie was an outlier. Instead, heroes and heroines often ate familiar fare, even as they cast spells and rode dragons. For pages and pages, lucky characters feast on cakes and ale. Other characters only get stew, which is oddly omnipresent. In her satirical travel guide to fantasy literature, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland, Jones jokes that stew “is the staple food in Fantasyland, so be warned. You may shortly be longing for omelette, steak, or baked beans, but none of these will be forthcoming.

Anne Ewbank
Why Do Fantasy Novels Have So Much Food?
Atlas Obscura

Relishing The Cucumber

December 22, 2019

I heard about this chick
who would go to the grocery store
and find the largest cucumber she could find.
Have you seen cucumbers lately?
Anyway,
she’d take it home, rub Vaseline all over it
and then strip down
get on all fours
and back her ass up on that cucumber until it was
near broken;
consumed by hungry vagina.
Then she’d have a salad,
garnished with cucumber.
I figure there’s a fine line between
relishing the cucumber… and relishing it.
I figure there’s a fine line between brilliant
and being moved.
About the same level of consumption,
I guess.

Sarah Frances Moran

I wrote “Relishing the Cucumber” in response to “Fucking The Gap” by T.L. Burns. You’ll see the similarity in style and similarity in word choice. I did that purposefully. The poem was called “brilliant” by Rattle and it just baffled me. I wondered had Relishing The Cucumber come first would it have been deemed “brilliant.” My suspicion is no. As cis women we aren’t allowed the “healthy” relationship with our vaginas that cis men have with their penises and where they like to stick them. I’m no prude and I fully admire work that delves deep into the strange fetishes of human nature. It’s the double standard that kills me.

Sarah Frances Moran

Being with you or not being with you is the only meaningful method I have of measuring time.

Jorge Luis Borges
The Book of Sand

Fresh cherries and Borges – what more could a birthday girl want?

The Doughnut

September 22, 2019

At the doughnut shop
There are many choices
Most of the people choose
Doughnuts with the hole
Then eat around it and
When the hole disappears
No one knows where it goes
Nor do they really care

Darlene De Beaulieu

[Ahh! The beauty of a ring doughnut is that the hole is totally calorie FREE! So eat to your hearts content, boys & girls]

An unusual problem

September 22, 2019

When you are giving your boyfriend oral in the car and realise that his penis tastes exactly the same as your best friend’s vagina – only you can’t say anything because you don’t want anyone to know that you LOVE to lick out vaginas. After all a vagina is like a good restaurant – the best food is always served there, right?

Crunch

August 26, 2019

Fancy a take-out tonight?

January 17, 2019