Too Late Batman…

October 6, 2019

If only Batman hadn’t spent so long with Catwoman, he would have arrived in time to prevent Robin going for a spin!

Irish Viagra

September 29, 2019

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.

“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.

“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”

“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”

“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”

“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin here, Doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

Thinking outside the box

September 22, 2019

It Escaped in 47

September 22, 2019

Good decision…

September 7, 2019

Crunch

August 26, 2019

Dear Crazy Jane,

I have a problem. Well, actually, I think it’s my husband with the problem, but since he’s adamant it’s me, we agreed to write our favourite columnist, you. We’ve agreed to abide by your determination.

Here goes…My husband thinks it’s weird that we only have sex once a year. I think after being married for as long as we have been (forever) that once a year is adequate. We have a good time when we do it. I mean, I’m not uptight or anything. I get into it. And then I’m good for another year. My husband, on the other hand, is getting tired of doing himself, he says. (I wish he wouldn’t tell me those things. Yuck.) Anyway, he whines and pouts and follows me around like a horny mutt. Honestly, he’s humped my leg! He thinks I’m being unreasonable. I’m at a loss here. What’s “normal”? I mean, I’m certain my parents never engaged in any sex whatsoever after the last child, I, was born, so I feel my husband should be grateful that we indulge as often as we do.

Please help settle this once and for all. We (me with utter calm, knowing you will side with sisterhood! and him, nervously toying with his bottom lip – so infantile – saliva – god I hope that’s saliva? – drooling down his fingers.) await your reply.

Sincerely,
Joy L. Essex

Dear Joy:

You’ve posed a not uncommon problem, as it were and as it is in many a marriage or common law alliance, alas. Tis a matter of libido drive incompatibilities. Your husband’s hard drive runs like a maniac in the fast lane, whilst your drive, such as it is, is perpetually stuck in traffic in the slow lane. Or if you will, your husband’s libido takes the high road while yours takes the low road and of course, you can’t possibly intersect under such circumstances. Or to state things another way, you may not have a driving license to begin with. That’s tough, but repairable, with effort and motivation, which you don’t seem to have. At this rate, your husband’s stress could induce a sudden heart attack. Not to mention the danger of stroke you confront. A life without sex leads to coagulated veins and death by stroke.

A famous love mediator whose name I’ve forgotten once said that in such circumstances it is best to make a potion out of Trojan horse radish, Siberian oysters, Tanzanian burdock root and Cretan honey and drink a gallon of the mixture four minutes before retiring. Sometimes it is said that will balance the extremes between the yin and yang after four months. On the other hand, it is rumoured that Socrates advised women with low libidos to divorce their husbands and seek the companionship of women, if you know what I mean. However, that option may not appeal to you, as you appear to be well … how can I put it delicately? Ah yes…cerebral is the word I was groping for.

Have you considered inviting an aardvark into your home, a common love object likely to bring you and your husband together? (Well, okay, I do realize the obvious drawbacks.) How about playing the overture to Tristan und Isolde as you’re retiring? Other known cures include a drastic change in diet (only red meat for you, and artichokes in vinegar for him), a honeymoon style voyage to Tuvalu in a tugboat, and the installation of a duck pond in your backyard, if you have one. There’s something about ducks, it has been said. On the other hand, you seem to have a revulsion for dogs. Aardvarks and ducks may not be appropriate.

Of course, the crotch of the matter could well be that your husband is ignorant of the role of the pituitary gland as a sexual stimulant. There are several manuals about somewhere. It’s alarming how many men – even when apprised of its special function – are totally incapable of locating the gland and even when they manage to find it, they don’t seem to know what to do with it. My Jack was like that at first blush, but I soon directed him to the right spot. This is definitely a subject that should be taught in primary school. But perhaps you are ignorant of the location of this gland as well. A survey by The Institute of Sexual Deviations recently determined that 89% of women in the Midwest can’t find it, while 99% of women who live in New York City have known about it since they could walk. Some women complain that the gland doesn’t stay put. That can also be aggravating to one’s partner.

While I sympathize with you, Joy, marriage and similar contractions are two-way streets. While normalcy is a myth, marriage without sex is like a bicycle without a fish. You must change your attitude and learn to view sexual frivolity as a welcome addition to your marital conjugations. While your husband should not be humping your legs, you should at least allow him free rein to hump himself while the two of you confront this major crisis in a mature fashion (one would hope). Believe me, your disgust at his efforts to satiate himself only serve to exacerbate the situation If all else fails, you should definitely consider counseling by a certified sex therapist. My cousin Alicia Dimpledorf may be able to save your marriage. Her website is dimplesexualsolutions.com.au.

Verily yours,

Jane

Crazy Jane (Carol Novack)
Crazy Jane’s Advice to the Lorn of Love