young lover required

Now that I have your attention, what I really want to talk about is…sex. I’ve discovered that, contrary to popular opinion, the carnal urge does not decrease with age. Even after a quad bypass, raging emphysema, sags and wrinkles where once there were lithe curves, I’m as lustful now as I was forty years ago.

Back then, men were as numerous as New York taxis and as easy to catch. As soon as one ride was over, there was always another waiting to pick me up, flag up and engine revving. It never occurred to me that they would one day stop running and slow down to a tottering walk.

Not that I couldn’t still nail some old geezer with the aid of a Viagra cocktail or two, but the very thought of touching one of those saggy bags of bones makes me gag. The fact is, no matter how old I get, prime man is still prime man (35-45) and he is the one who still catches my eye and jolts my libido. In other words, despite the depredations time has inflicted upon my corporeal body, the hot twenty-something girl who resides between my ears still rules my loins.

Unfortunately, the men who attract my attention don’t see her. What they see is just another anonymous old lady among the thousands of others who reside in America’s penis. If they do happen to glance my way, they either ignore me completely or ask if they can help me across the street, neither of which option is very satisfying. Evidently, drooling with desire is easily mistaken for drooling with senility.

I keep musing about “Harold and Maude”, deeply envious of the Ruth Gordon character, fully grasping the not-so-subtle subtext of the film. Unfortunately, the chances of finding my Harold are severely limited. I can’t exactly drive my scooter backwards down the street, trolling for boys, or even play grab-ass with the bag boy at Publix without fear of arrest. And even if I were lucky enough to find some hot kid with an unlimited sense of adventure, how could I expect him to undergo the trauma of finding himself on top of a dead lady, regardless of the smile on her face?

I used to think I wanted to die by being shot by a jealous wife, but now I think I just want to be screwed to death. Imagine the wonder of coming and going simultaneously! Sadly, I’m afraid I’ll never know. I’ve finally come to accept the fact that of all the aches, pains, losses and disappointments that accompany the aging process, knowing that I’ll never again feel a hard young body grinding against mine is the most difficult to accept.

So I gave myself a birthday present. I went to the dildo store, bought a lovely little device called a rabbit and named it “Harold”.

Wish me luck.

Ruth Dickson

an old lady

Aging is a rigorous daily battle against all manner of crap we could never have imagined in our more youthful days.

As time progresses, various parts of the body begin to sag and droop, lose function, fade away, and finally, are surgically removed. Over the last decade, I have personally lost my senses of taste and smell, a gall bladder, a uterus, part of a heart and some visual acuity. And I recently made the interesting discovery that, when you reach a certain age, you apparently start to leak.

As for physical depredations, the runway saunter of my flaming youth has become a slipper-shod shuffle, mostly to the bathroom. The nipples with which I used to make eye contact now point directly at the bunions adorning feet that were once the toast of New Orleans; portraits of my formerly elegant tootsies had, for years, attracted fetishists from the world over to pre-Katrina Jackson Square, along with paintings of various other parts of my anatomy.

In short, the luscious body I used to inhabit, the very one that had men all over the world weeping with desire, now strongly resembles a freeway map, complete with off ramps. In fact, following my most recent surgery, I took a good look at what is now my body, and decided to plot a route to the Hidden Grotto, ala Mapquest. It read like this:

“Go due south on Bypass Boulevard, through Long-tit Valley; follow the Cholecysectomy roundabout, exiting on Appendix Avenue. Continue southwest to the twin tunnels of the bifemoral bypass, then merge with the saphenous vein tracks. When you come to the fork in the road, take it.

This will lead directly to the entrance of the Love Cavern, once covered by lush bush, now fallen into balding disrepair. Although long deserted, this roadside attraction became the central theme of several books, and is now an historical landmark, having been explored by many notable spelunkers in former years. Visitors are now rare, but still welcome.”

Ruth Dickson
Life, Death, and Other Trivia