My love for you is unconditional. Arse size has nothing to do with it – although that said, I take great pleasure in tugging down those short shorts, so tight they turn inside out as I do so. Bending you forward slightly, I’m able to practice my analingus technique, hoping one day I’ll finally achieve perfection. Your bum deserves that much at the very least…

It was at this point, she said:

“Don’t just kiss me, darling – suck the soul from my body!”

So I did…