It’s Sunday Morning – and time to open the sex toys chest!

BDSM taught me vital skills: how to communicate desires, and how to better read and understand the giving or withholding of consent. Some news stories — like the one about the New York attorney general who suggested his “role-playing” excused his violence against women — give consensual kink a bad name. But the answer isn’t abstinence or inhibition; it’s openness and honesty. Whether you’re traditional, kinky, or somewhere in between, the basic consent principles of BDSM can lead to healthy conversations and better sex. Don’t bury your desires — communicate them. 

Hudsy Hawn – I’m a Dominatrix, and Here’s How I Can Help You Have Better Sex 

“In sex, we can be very goal-oriented in reaching orgasm. In BDSM, the only goal is pleasure —shared mutual pleasure.”

— Celina Criss, sex coach and BDSM practitioner

Whips, handcuffs, blindfolds, ropes, flogging, spanking. These probably aren’t the kind of activities you associate with meditation and mindfulness, let alone spirituality. But if you ask those who practice consensual BDSM (meaning bondage/discipline, dominance/submission and sadism/masochism) — along with the researchers who study it and mindful sex — a connection between these seemingly disparate practices actually makes a lot of sense. 

Though in its nascent stages, BDSM research is finding similarities between BDSM and mindfulness and other forms of meditation, especially in the context of heightened awareness and relaxing altered states of mind. Evidence is starting to support what many practitioners already innately knew: BDSM can be powerfully meditative, with positive psychological effects that go far beyond just sexual satisfaction. 

Jess Joho – BDSM and meditation are more connected than you’d think 

you know about safe words, right? In BDSM, they’re mandatory. Saying “stop” or “no” while playing can be confusing —those words might be part of your improvised script. For many people, saying “no” can be difficult, because we don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings. Agreeing ahead of time on a word that will always mean “stop” allows you to say “no” even in the heat of the moment. I like the traffic-light system: Red means “stop.” Yellow means “slow down.” Green means “more, please.” Doing this builds trust, and trust means better sex. 

Hudsy Hawn – I’m a Dominatrix and Here’s How I Can Help You Have Better Sex   

(This is fine unless you’re gagged. Best then to agree a physical sign…P) 

Outside of the kink scene, I am self-reliant. I try not to depend on others, and I keep to myself. In the scene, I’m allowed to acknowledge, without shame, how I often feel clingy. I’m allowed to admit carnal needs that I cannot acknowledge in the real world. I am a lesbian feminist, yet I am a woman who enjoys being beaten until I have purple and black bruises to remind me of the scene.

I consider myself service-oriented, masochistic, and submissive. Ideally, though, a feminist is none of those things. Feminists fight for rights that would make women equal to men in society, but the foundation of a BDSM relationship is a power exchange — dominance and submission — that is not equal in the relationship’s dynamic, no matter the gender of the couple. What does this contradiction do to my identity? Am I still a feminist if I enjoy receiving the same abuse feminist theory accuses men of dealing out throughout history? Am I merely oppressed?

Erica – Sexual Freedom or Women Oppressing Women? 

it’s the submissive who holds the power

Walk in her shoes: you can do that literally if it’s your thing. But what I mean is to try to understand your partner’s position. I also enjoy being submissive, and that’s made me a thoughtful dominant. These days, it can only help you to learn to think like a woman. How? Submit to one. You may find submission freeing, a vacation from societal masculinity. I had a client once, a CEO, who called his weekly session with me his “spa visit.” He would call me Goddess, worship my feet, and offer his back as a footstool. It gave him a much-needed break from being the boss.

To an outsider, the dominant may appear in control, but it’s the submissive who holds the power. The sub agrees to, or rejects, any new ideas, and either party can stop everything with the mere mention of a safe word. When a sub hands over power to a dom, he or she does so willingly. Mutual trust is key, and benefits you both. If you want someone to submit to you, you have to show that person respect. That means you never push nonconsensual ideas. You give your partner what she wants, and to know what your partner wants, you have to ask.

Hudsy Hawn – I’m a Dominatrix, and Here’s How I Can Help You Have Better Sex

Pull your pants down – I know you’ve been stealing panties

Then I have a client – well, a lot of clients like this — who likes to wear women’s underwear and garters, thigh-highs and heels. They don’t go full cross-dresser. They just want to be the naughty boy who got caught wearing the panties. So we’ll do scenarios where we’re in the classroom and I’ll be Principal Hawn, and I’ll say, “Pull your pants down. I know you’ve been stealing panties out of the locker room,” and then I’ll spank the guy in the classroom. It’s like going back to a teacher maybe he fantasized about.

Hudsy Hawn
What It’s Really Like to Be a Professional Dominatrix