Women in Search of Balls, Circa 2009

My girlfriend takes a body-rolling class.
The teacher tells her to practice
10 minutes a night while watching TV.
The book tells her the series of pelvic
exercises will make our love-making —
anyone’s love-making —
everyone’s love-making —
more “pleasurable & intense.”
Who doesn’t want that?

I like the idea of more “pleasurable &
intense” love-making, but I don’t like
the word “love-making.” What’s wrong
with “fucking?” I say. Must we be so
pristine? What’s wrong with a little
good old-fashioned fucking?

But the problem, it turns out, is not
one of nomenclature, but one of supplies:

“We need balls,” she says.

“Since when?”

“Spongy pink balls,” she says.

“Why?”

“For my feet — for my body-rolling,” she says.

“Oh,” I say, feeling sheepish. Of course.

We scour the basement, but as it turns out,
we don’t have any balls — there, or anywhere.
We are a household entirely devoid of balls.
We have a combination lock that we don’t
know the combination for. We have an ID
bracelet, a monkey wrench, a set of old Spy
Tech walkie-talkies, & a cat scratching post
with most of the carpet scratched off—

but no balls.

We have —

but no balls.

So I call up the store, & I say to the man
who answers —

“Sir, could you tell me — do you have
spongy pink balls?”

Click, the receiver goes.

So I call up a different store, & more
cautiously, I say to the woman who answers —

“Perhaps you could help me — I’m looking for a set
of balls — ”

She is quick to intercept me —
“Then why don’t you grow a pair?”

“Don’t hang up — I need balls.”

Click.

“I’m looking to buy some spongy
pink balls — ”

Click.

“It’s for body-rolling. My girlfriend
needs balls — ”

Click.

“We’re going to have to try the Internet,”
she says, so I type in what, according to
Ockham’s Razor, should be the simplest
location: http://www.balls.com

It’s a blog site, but nobody mentions balls —
not where to get them, nothing.

The commentary goes like this:

i love to watch people suck their wieners

i like big wieners

i love to suck wieners all the time

i enjoy watching other people do it too

Want to contribute?
Join or sign in

(Site last accessed by author 7/12/09)

“I think we’re going to have to go to the store,”
I say.

“The real store — out there where the people are?”

“Yes,” I say.

“But I’m in my bathrobe, & I’m sleepy, & it’s Sunday.
Who goes to the store on Sunday to buy balls?”

“Someone who needs them for body-rolling,” I say.

“Are we going to a toy store?”

“I think we should.”

“Is a toy store the best place to buy balls?”

“I think it is.”

“On Sunday?”

“On any day,” I say.

“But won’t it seem creepy — that we don’t have kids,
& are trying to buy balls, just the two of us, without kids,
on a Sunday?”

“Good point,” I say. “We’ll have to buy balls on
Tuesday afternoon.”

She agrees & pours more coffee.
“You can do almost anything on a Tuesday afternoon.”

Julie Marie Wade

Great Handjobs and how to do them – a morning guide for boys & girls

(Always use lube)

SWITCH HITTER
Use both hands, alternating back and forth in a pattern you develop to offer him the most arousal. He will notice the difference. Don’t get into a routine where the strokes are dull, and noncommittal. Give it to him good. Get him to the point where he’s singing out, “I second that hand motion!”

DOUBLE WHAMMY
How about going double or nothing! Bring both well-lubricated hands down on his shaft. Some cocks are so big they require both hands. If your partner’s doesn’t, then use the other hand to caress and lightly flutter his balls, or tighten around the base of his shaft. If both hands fit along the length of the shaft, move then together, up and down, in the typical pumping motion. Pretend you’re holding a baseball bat and are about to score a grand slam. You can also vary the directions of your hands, one up, one down at the same time. There’s no doubt that two hands are better than one.

THE ANVIL STROKE
Bring one hand down, letting it stroke the penis from the top all the way to the bottom. When it hits the bottom, release it. Meanwhile you’re bringing your corresponding hand down to the top of the shaft, creating an alternating beating motion, hence the name “anvil stroke.” Think of those blacksmith duos who keep up a double beat pounding motion as they beat that rod of iron on a piping-hot anvil.

THE SHUTTLE COCK
Not many people have heard of the “shuttle cock,” but it’s one of the best. Take the penis in both hands, fingers lightly touching the sides of the shaft. In order to visualize the position, think of yourself holding a clarinet. Now flick the penis back and forth between your two hands by holding on to the loose skin of the shaft. Shuttling it back and forth in this manner may not seem incredibly thrilling to him at first, but pretty soon, as it builds up momentum, it will drive him out of his mind. Orgasms encountered via this method are sometimes messy, but always memorable.

THE BOOKENDS
Place both of your hands side by side against his shaft like a pair of bookends. Now push hard against his penis. Then lift your hands up and down. Continue in this manner for a while. The constant tugging of the skin around the balls and the mons pubis will do the trick.

THE FLAME
Place your hands down on either side, your fingers pointing away from the cock. Pretend you’re a campfire girl and start spinning his pecker like a stick of wood. This way you’ll keep the home fires burning for a long time to come.

THE BASE CLUTCH
Tighten your thumb and forefinger around the base of the shaft, pressing down on the balls. This will cut off the blood (acting as an impromptu cock ring) and help you steady the shaft in your hand. If the skin on it is slick and immutable, you can stroke the penis with more friction, thereby enhancing the excruciating experience.

THE LOVE TUG
As you are stroking him, lightly pull on the wispy strands of pubic hair sprouting from his testicles. Don’t pull so hard that you remove them, but tease them gently, lovingly. This will make him holler with delight and awe at your inventiveness.

THE TWO-TIMER
Tickle his balls with one hand while the other jerks him up and down.

THE THIGH-SWATTER
Use the hand that is currently unemployed to firmly but lovingly pat his inner thighs.

BEST FIST FORWARD
Place your fist against his perineum as you’re stroking him. He’ll probably start opening his legs a little wider, giving you more space to press against. Guaranteed to drive him wild.

As always, it is the psychological impact of what you are doing that makes the sex so satisfying. Let your mind escape into the uncharted wilderness of fantasy. As a sexual pioneer, it is your manifest destiny to explore the outer limits of your sensuality.

THE MILKER
Opposite of the Anvil – Hands alternate ‘milking’ up the penis, starting at the base and working all the way up past the tip.

THE PERPETUAL PENETRATION
Like the Anvil, but rather than just grabbing the penis at the top, let his penis ‘penetrate’ into your fist on each stroke. Before the head of his penis pops out of your hand, bring the other hand up for the next penetration. This way it seems to him like he is penetrating deeper and deeper into an infinite vagina. Make sure you keep the penetration continuous for best results. Try faster or slower to taste.

THE PALM SWIRL
Use your open palm to swirl around the head, the way your tongue would lick an ice cream cone. This sensitizes the head, and will make it get larger and turn (even more) red. Try reversing direction for a surprise.

TINY CIRCLES
As in “The Palm Swirl”, use your open palm on his glans, but stop at each “hour of the clock”, and make circular motions with your open palm. This will make this part of the head EXTREMELY sensitive, so move to the next hour after a few circles.

THE RING
Make a ring with your thumb and forefinger, and pump up and down with this ring. When you get to the top, close the ring, then make him squeeze his way in as you slide back down to the bottom.

THE DOOR KNOB
Turn the head of his penis like a you’re trying to open a door knob coated with grease. It won’t turn, but he may flip. Now try turning the other way. Repeat.

THE SHAFT
Stroke only his shaft, ignoring the head. You will notice it swelling and turning red. When it’s bright red and rock hard, use the Door Knob, the Palm Swirl, or the Perpetual Penetration.

THE SPOT PINCH
Lightly and slowly run a finger up the underside of his cock. Ask him to tell you where the most sensitive spot is. Pinch it, squeeze it, nibble it, tease it. This is a good spot to pinch to turn a soft cock rock solid.

Shit happens

Christmas Anthem

Christmas has come! let affection and folly,
Run through the land from the North to the South,
Hang up the mistletoe, nail up the holly,
Frolic and fun be the talk of each mouth,
For each one to flirt, and to drink, and to eat;
Aged and Young, come! now, this is the Season,
All have enjoyment — my prick “sees no reason,”
Why Christmas should pass, and he not have a treat.

Ruddy his tip, as the bright Holly merry!
Round are his balls, as the Pudding so gay;
White pearly drops, like the Mistletoe berry,
They shall distil from his touch-hole to-day.

I will sip toddy, forget worldly scheming.
Prick! I feel for you a friendship sincere;
Pledge me in a draught, and your top ruddy beaming,
Shall quaff the Sweet Cunt Juice, for Christmas is here!

Christmas is here! so my prick, what you fancy,
That you shall have for your holiday fare;
From the black curly jock of the stately Miss Nancy,
To young Kitty’s sweet cunt, that can’t boast of a hair.

Come! my tail full bosomed fairy of twenty,
Come! little golden haired maiden of eight,
Look round the room, there are partners in plenty,
But nothing like Prick for a Christmas-time Mate!

Let the snow fall — we care not for the weather,
Pile up the logs on the gay crackling Are;
Then shall Queen Cunt and King Prick meet together,
And our sighs of enjoyment in silence expire.

Come! ’tis but once a year — let there be blindness,
To what our warm feelings incline us to do;
Come, merry maidens, and show my Prick kindness,
And straight he will strive to give pleasure to you!

Touch with your hand, let your sweet taper fingers,
Electric-like thrill him from root unto tip;
Then while the warmth of that contact still lingers,
Caress the sweet darling with tongue and with lip.

Press to your bosom — then glide to your Cunny,
Into your belly he’ll pour his “good cheer;”
“Will you spend in my bum?” “Should like to, My Honey!”
We will do what we like now, For Christmas is Here!

FINIS.

Anon
The Pearl
Christmas Annual 1881

Important message for you boys…

Do NOT write in biro on your balls! It is nasty and hard to scrub off…

Easy peasy cock and ball torture for all…

The cock, male scepter, centre of pleasure and symbol of sexual potency. Its boundaries for pleasure and pain vary enormously between individuals, and should be explored with loving care. The testicles, resting unobtrusively beneath, can (in the right circumstances) provide a portal to hell…

As always mutual consent is an essential prerequisite to CBT (as is the case with all BDSM activities). Sit together, discuss the scenario to be enacted in detail. So, girls, before you wrap his cock in chilli coated cling film ensure that is what he expects and wants. Don’t be shy. Boys, if you want your scrotum twisted and crushed, tell her so. Agree on a “safe word” and a “safe sign” (it’s no good when your mouth is full of inflatable penis gag, mumbling to your torturer “Ugha mummph” and expecting him or her to understand you. No. Make a sign that can be immediately seen and understood).

The shaft is the least sensitive part of the cock. However, the skin covering it increases in sensitivity when stretched by erection. When flaccid you can slap the shaft with your hand, ruler or ‘cock whip’. You can squeeze or twist it (but it’ll probably harden involuntarily; remember to be gentler with a stiff dick, it’s much more easily damaged), scratch it with long finger nails or rough textures like fine sandpaper or a small scrub brush. You can pinch the surface with clamps, clothespins or fingers, and subject it to temperature play, hot and cold, with burning wax or ice cubes.

The fore skin can be twisted, stretched, clamped – even post circumcision, a remnant remains, especially under the glans, the frenum where it attaches to the glans and is particularly sensitive. The glans, need it be said, is the most sensitive part of the male knob. Foreskin pulled well back, it can be twisted, pinched, rubbed, treated to hot wax, ice, or simply abraded.

The cock when flaccid may be bound (with cords, laces, or thongs). Tight loops round glans and balls holding them together. Once constricted, tease the cock and watch it struggle to stiffen (remember to loosen tight genital bindings every twenty minutes or so to restore full circulation). While tightly bound in this fashion, a male though hardly properly erect may be made to cum, a deliberate retrograde ejaculation where semen is forced back down the urethra.

Remember, when starting out with CBT do so lightly. Increase the tempo, the pressure, gradually. Take care and be safe. Oh, yeah, and little water based lube wouldn’t go amiss either (you don’t want to get blisters on your hands with all that tugging and twisting).

Finally an example of what can go wrong on these scenarios: a couple of years back we met a guy at a local munch. We arranged a meet round his, where we discussed potential BDSM scenes. We thought he was a relative newbie to the scene (which was fine), but he went on to discuss a wide range of CBT activities in detail. He, it seemed, was much more experienced than we’d thought. Dee twice asked if he were “certain” about what he was requesting. He said he was. The following night we meet again to enact his scenarios in earnest.

Bound, gagged, the helpless guy lay victim to Dee’s cruel hands. She gripped tightly, twisted, then gently crushed. He made his “safe sign” almost immediately. Dee stopped, released him. He had tears in his eyes. She cuddled and reassured him.

‘You said it was what you wanted.’ Dee stroked his hair softly. ‘You said you loved it…Craved it all the time.’

It transpired he loved it all the time in his dreams. In his fantasies. He’d lied to us about his “experiences” on the CBT front. It was his first time, and the reality was too much for him. Not at all like the fantasy – which is most always the case, boys and girls. So take care what you ask for. Remember, honesty is the best policy in all things.

So now we know…

Good idea…